For those that know me only as Indie Gamer Chick, it might be weird to think of me as Catherine Michaels. That’s my name. I got it marrying Brian. I don’t think I’ve ever posted that before. But hi, I’m Cathy Michaels. I play the character Indie Gamer Chick that I created in 2011.
And I’m a drug addict. And I’ve relapsed.
People might know that I spent a great deal of 2018 in rehab for this very issue. And I thought I had beaten addiction. But you don’t beat addiction. And I’m ashamed to admit that in my very first real opportunity to relapse, I did. The fact that it happened was so unreal to me that it felt like an out-of-body experience. Like, I knew the consequences of it, and I knew what it meant for me going forward, and I did it anyway. I had a small neck surgery and I tricked my family who was dispensing to me the medication for the pain for it. I pretended like I took the pills, and I didn’t, so I could build up 3 or 4 to take at one time. I was in real pain. I was. But I should have been an adult and told my doctor it wasn’t strong enough and I didn’t. Ironically I didn’t want to come across like a drug seeker. But I also know in my heart I did it so that I could get a stronger high. And now I wonder if maybe that’s why the meds didn’t work for the pain. Because I was disappointed in the lack of euphoria. In fact, I think that probably happened. Keeping it real, I honestly don’t know if the pain was real or if it was the addiction making it real.
So I tricked my family and stockpiled pills to take more at once. I did this I think five times over the last few weeks.
I did it. I came clean that I did it. And now I have to face up to the consequences of that. And also own up to the fact that I’m not as far along in my recovery as I believed. The fact that I lost ten months of the prime of my life and have possibly nothing to show for it makes me sick to my stomach. But I own it. I’m responsible for my actions. Yes, I’m an addict. And yes, addiction is a disease. But I re-entered into a suicide pact with addiction of my own free will. In 2018, the one thing they drummed into my head again and again was to reach out in moments of weakness. And I didn’t. I learned nothing, wasted everyone’s time and my family’s money and I still need help.
I am so sorry to everyone who believed I was doing better. I believed it too. I think I’ve burned up all my second chances with some, and I accept that. My parents especially. I realize this time, the point of no return has been crossed. That they’ve given their entire existence to me, and I’ve given them nothing but frustration and heartache for it. I’m 29, married, and still putting the screws to my parents lives every step of the way. My Dad retired last year, but can’t enjoy his retirement because I haven’t given them a single moment of peace of mind. I’ve had every conceivable advantage throughout my life, stuff 99.9% of people would never get access to, and what did I do with those? Nothing. Just kept messing up. Maybe because I felt I couldn’t ever cross the line. That there was no line to cross. How arrogant.
Once upon a time, in my role as Indie Gamer Chick, I needed a reminder that developers are real people who go through real struggles in life. I made it a policy that I review the game, not the developer. I’ve done my best to hold firm to that. I slip sometimes, but never with malice.
Well, Indie Gamer Chick is a cocky, mouthy, arrogant character. But she is just that: a character. The girl behind IGC, Cathy, me, she’s real. And she’s a deeply flawed person. One that has burned those she loves, and those who love her, again and again for the last few years. I do believe in my heart-of-hearts that I never did so maliciously, but all evidence does point to me being a selfish, spoiled, immature little girl in desperate need of growing up. I don’t want to be those things, or thought of as those things. But it’s true. I know it. That’s why it hurts to be told it. But even those who are thoroughly disgusted with me this week, I think they would admit that in my heart I aspire to be better. To be a genuinely good person, instead of a person who just has good moments. Addiction is an issue, but it’s hardly the only thing I need to correct. I am so far behind where I should be as a person. I’m done aspiring. I want to do something about it. And it has to start now, while I’m still young.