So I was going to keep this a surprise for later, but I actually invented a time machine a while back. Today, I fired that bad boy up and decided to go back in time and let President Andrew Jackson know that he had been replaced by Harriet Tubman on our currency.
Me: President Jackson, it’s an honor Sir.
Andy Jackson: Who the Hell are you again?
Me: Catherine Vice. Time Traveler. I come from a time when the President of the United States is what you, in this era, would refer to as a negro…….. I mean um, that his knee is growing. Because he bumped it and it’s swelling up. Yea, that’s it. Please don’t shoot me.
Andy Jackson: Do you mind, Miss? I’m busy destroying the banking system.
Me: Yea, um, about that.. can you stop doing that? It’s been, like, 200 years or whatever and we’re still recovering from that.
Andy Jackson: The Union survives that long? Well, I guess I owe Van Buren a pint of whiskey.
Me: Yea, it survives, despite multiple economic depressions, many of which you directly caused. Also a Civil War which.. come to think of it, that pretty much started to brew during your administration. Then the Red Sox went 85 years without winning the World Series. Yet, we survive.
Andy Jackson: Well, I’ll be damned. Did I at least live long enough to shoot John C. Calhoun?
Me: Okay, no. And I’m here to get your thoughts on something. In the future, for no particular reason, we celebrate you by having you on our $20 bills despite the fact that you’re the 19th century version of Hitler.
Andy Jackson: What’s a Hitler?
Me: You know, I would tell you but I’m afraid you would take it as a challenge to aim higher. Anyway, you’re on our money.
Andy Jackson: That um, well that makes no sense since I was against the idea of banks. And what’s a bill?
Me: It’s paper currency.
Andy Jackson: Now you’re yanking my chain, ma’am. I was really against Paper Currency. Putting my face on paper money would be like putting Alexander Hamilton’s face on on the emblem of the National Rifle Association.
Me: Well, yea, but don’t worry. In 2016, you actually got taken off it.
Andy Jackson: Well, good.
Me: They replaced you with a picture of a black woman who helped free the slaves.
Andy Jackson: …………….
Me: Gotta go.